I’ve been struggling with this blog post for a hot minute now. It’s not that I don’t know or have nothing to say, it’s cause of trying to figure out HOW I can put the million messages in my head about my recent trip home- in coherent sentences that drive the message home, you feel me ?
Another thing is I don’t write if my higher self & my conscious self aren’t in tune, I write from deep within so it’s mandatory that my intuition guides me when I do. So it’s become normal for me to be flustered with a lot of things to say but no structure. See, a huge part of being able to communicate is being able to make sense. Otherwise it’s pointless & a waste of time but I digress….
“I thought I was taking time away from the city, little did I know I was being taken on a journey to self-discovery.”
My trip back home surfaced a lot of things. Mainly, it touched on how important having sense of “Identity” is. That whole notion of going back to your roots to try understand who you are ain’t a haux, there’s a huge truth in why it is mandatory. I need y’all to understand that when I went back home I wasn’t “looking” for myself, in fact, I thought I was taking time away from the city, little did I know I was being taken on a journey to self-discovery. When I got there, I came to realize that I was intuitively led to go back home to actually understand WHO I AM! And booooooy! didn’t I learn. See, when things happen naturally they leave you with an everlasting impression, some hard core teachings & ever lasting memories.
I remember how my family relatives & I were sitting under a sky full of stars, braaing meat & for the first time in what seemed to be a long time, I was genuinely laughing my ass silly. I was laughing from the pits of my belly. Man! The Joy (not happiness) I felt! I still can’t describe it. It dawned on me that, this here moment is why I went home, to explore the umpteenth facet that makes up who “Tash” is.
It was pretty wild to learn about my family & our family history, learning that my Grandfather was a man of stature & caliber. A fine ass gentleman who was respected in the whole village (& neighboring ones) and that my grandmother was a strong & graceful woman who was always my grandfather’s prized jewel & right wing. A formidable force those two, how I swelled with pride knowing that I come from such a Power couple! I won’t go in too much on my family details as I want to reserve the gold gems I learnt about them for the book I wish to release one day.
REFLECTIONS
My trip back home for one, changed me. I’m not the same anymore. I can feel it. I’m more calm, cool & collected. Not like I wasn’t before but I’m ten times more those traits now. Reconnecting with my ancestors in their ancestral ground, has brought me immense peace. Which has led me to think that, perhaps some of us aren’t these wild spirits because we’re wild…. perhaps the wildness is a restless soul tugging at you to leave in search of who you are, to a location where you’ll find clarity & refuge. A familiar ground with familiar spirits for it to rest, heal & revitalize.
I say this with a pinch of salt though, because I don’t think one’s personality can change at just a snap of a finger. However, what I’m saying is, what if…. what if… the longing we have in our souls to just leave or travel…. this sense of unbelonging…what if that’s just your soul’s way of trying to guide you to where it will find healing ? Just think about it. Because I think despite being whole & complete for a long time, my yearning to leave this city before wasn’t because of wanting to leave the city but in retrospect it was because my soul was guiding me back home, back to where love overflows & the grass is greener & the river is flowing ( yes we have a River like right under our house. How magical ?).
Now, whilst I was there soooooooooooooooooo many things about my life made sense. This was aided by the information I was learning about my family, my ancestors & myself. It was as though, someone had handed me that one last piece of the puzzle. Finally, the whole picture became clear. I don’t think I can ever describe how much I feel I now know myself, life & why things happen they way they do both internally & externally, both in my life & in those of the people around me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I have all the answers for “He who thinks knows anything knows nothing at all” But what I’m saying is I know something…actually, more things than I did before. And these things are beneficial towards making ME a much better Human & my Human experience worthwhile & honestly my trail of thought has improved tremendously. Arg, I’m just not the same anymore. I’m better! So much better!
Identity
It’s kinda weird how when we say “I’m just working on myself” we tend to assume that means spending more time at home, watching movies or something… not that that’s wrong please don’t get me wrong, but what I’m trying to say is, we seem to confine the search within the corners of our home & or safe spaces when it actually needs to extend to various facets that form part of who you are.
Facets such as: Who gave birth to you ? who were they? where did they come from ? What were they like growing up ? How did they handle things ? The people who raised you, how are they? How were they when growing up? What Influenced them ? Etc. … I’m sure you get where I’m headed with this.
There are some people who’ve never sat foot let alone know who their ancestors are, where they were buried etc but are out here feeling bereft & unfitting, trying to find themselves but within things, objects & not really doing the deep dive.
Before my trip I thought I was self-fulfilled….no I was, but to some degree…there was always this constant yearning inside me, that there’s a piece about me that I need to look for & I didn’t necessarily pay that feeling attention. I recall how one day I was like “God if you feel there’s more work I still need to do, use me as your guinea pig & guide me to where I’ll find the missing pieces” & lo & behold I spontaneously woke up & decided I’m going back home all to find that’s exactly where God intended I go to find the missing piece.
In a nutshell what I’m saying here is, there are many facets that make up who you are. Just like a rock is made up of different elements…so are you. It is important to know the facets that make up majority or form part of your identity. You won’t know all of them in a whim but start with the ones you do know.
Start with who are you? What makes my soul light up ? What doesn’t ? Who am I when there’s no one watching ? Why can’t I be this person in public ? Can I change this ? What do I want ? Where do I see myself ? What influences me? Why does that influence me ? I was raised in this particular location, what parts of this environment shaped parts of me ? Were they good ? Were they not ? Why?
Then you go to the next layer — your family & environment, dissect that. If you don’t have parents or come from a single parent household, dissect that too….ASK questions from those alive or those who care or seem to hold the answers about the family history.
Then attend to your family tree & dissect that too.
Learn & ask as many questions as you can to gain a sense of understanding about them to understand YOU! You didn’t just jump out of a moving truck and become a person, you were RAISED by people who from their own influences influenced you & helped form part of your identity.
My ancestors called me back home & I yielded to their call. Don’t go through life feeling like you don’t belong, it could just be that you’ve been silencing calls from your Ancestors. Wake up & yield to their call, your true self is waiting to be unearthed because You matter, you always matter!