Relationships – A longing for needs to be satisfied.

To understand relationships between people, one must understand what’s at the root of relationships. What are they? What makes them important? What gets in the way? And how can knowing about them help with self-improvement?

What is a Relationship?

Fundamentally, relationships are formed to satisfy… i.e. the satisfaction of different types of needs. Human needs exist in various forms: Financial, psychological, emotional etc. essentially no matter the nature of your need, it needs to be satisfied and you form relationships to have that achieved. This is basic Economics (fave subject just by the way), although a tad different, Economics is the study of using available resources to satisfy human wants & needs, relationships are up that alley.

The misunderstanding of relationships begins when people assume that those they are involved with are are absolute i.e. that is they shouldn’t change. Relationships among humans are variable, meaning they change. A human’s needs and expectations change frequently and without warning. If one wants a relationship that would remain the same then they’re better off having one with a dead person or something more absolute or constant. The essential thing you need to understand here is that, because of how variant relationships are, there has to be somewhere where a common understanding of what then a relationship really is, is established between the people involved. This common understanding of why you’re in a relationship with the person allows you both -or more, the flexibility of moving effortlessly within the relationship.

The “Oxford dictionary” defines a relationship as “the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.”.

Which then confirms that, in order to have a relationship with someone there needs to be something that connects you two –or more –together. Let’s explore what that thing is in detail.

The heart of Relationships

“To understand how we can be the best versions of ourselves, we need to take a microscopic look at the fundamental things that form part of our existence. “

To understand what’s at the heart of relationships you’d need to look at the commonalities between the types of relationships that exist. Like I’d expressed at the beginning, the satisfaction of a need is what lies at the heart of every relationship, regardless of its nature. In any type of relationship; if we feel our needs and or expectations aren’t being met, the relationship fails. We drop them and go seek another partner/friend/squad/business-partner….you name it, that we feel will better do the job, isn’t it? So fundamentally, relationships are formed to have our needs and or expectations met and satisfied. This is because as Humans we have this certain need for completeness.

If the relationship is going good then we feel complete, if not, we feel incomplete, right? This is because of the fact that most of us haven’t explored the completeness that is life alone. Life is not one piece of the puzzle, isn’t it ? Life is the puzzle itself, isn’t it? We seem to be attaching the feeling of being whole to another being, meaning all that we’re doing is we’re seeking for oneness. And so in search of this we create various relationships trying to fulfill this need, essentially trying to find completion.

If your body goes in search of a relationship then that’s sexual, if the mind does – then we’re seeking companionship, when our emotions go in search – then we’re seeking Love. Essentially, what you’re trying is to become one with something else. Which is odd for me, because in order for something to be complete it needs to be whole, read that again.

We’ve been fed a misunderstanding about life that’s made us think that in order for two things to come together in completion they need to have a sense of lacking. However, spiritually, in order for two things to create a whole they need to be whole individually. So how can you become one with someone else if you can still fall apart ? Two minds are never one, no matter what you do with them and no matter how close you think they might get. Emotionally, you might think you made it but lines of segregation will come up, very easily.

This longing in the English language also has a word; companionship.

Companionship: Is the enjoyment of spending time with other someone or people.

So, in hopes of satisfying this longing for oneness, we form relationships that illude us into thinking that we’ve achieved it but all we keep doing is experiencing “nearness” to the longing but it never lasts. I can describe the longing to want to reach a fulfillment somehow, as wanting to experience a little part of humanity in you.

So, relationships are that to me…wanting to experience a little humanity inside of you, deep inside of you.

Let’s look at this from another angle, if you didn’t feel this incompleteness then would you still seek the company of others so desperately?

In the quest of being the best version of ourselves, one must understand that, the types of relationships they keep around, directly and indirectly affect their quality of life.

Why are relationships important?

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” ― Charlotte Brontë

Why are relationships important? On a general note; to better ourselves and share life experiences. On a more nebulous note; as humans, we have a need to belong. I explained that as a longing above. The longing to be complete, one…can be classified as feeling you belong. Where you feel you belong, you feel complete isn’t it? Or where you feel you’re loved, you feel you complete and that you belong, isn’t it? So, we have this deep desire to belong. This need to belong is instinctual and is an extremely crucial element of our well-being throughout our lives. When this need is not being met, we experience psychological discomfort.

In “The Hunger Games” (a fave just by the way), Suzanne Collins writes -“I realize, for the first time, how very lonely I’ve been in the arena. How comforting the presence of another human being can be.”

When something is instinctual it is primitive. There’s been research that believes that the need to belong may date back to our origins. In the archaic times, when humans were hunters & gathers, they believed in hunting in groups thus hunting better & greatly.

Our instinctual need to belong motivates us to develop strong social relationships. These relationships improve the quality of our lives. Relationships nourish us both physically and emotionally. They provide us with a sense of identity and security. We can fulfill our need to belong through the connections we make with friends, family, co-workers, or community groups.

In “The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation” research article by Mark R. Leary and Roy F. Baumeister, they write “people need to perceive that there is an interpersonal bond or relationship marked by stability, affective concern, and continuation into the foreseeable future. This aspect provides a relational context to one’s interactions with the other person, and so the perception of the bond is essential for satisfying the need to belong. When compared with essentially identical interactions with other people with whom one is not connected, a strictly behavioral record might reveal nothing special or re-warding about these interactions. Yet an interaction with a per-son in the context of an on-going relationship is subjectively different from and often more rewarding than an interaction with a stranger or casual acquaintance. To satisfy the need to belong, the person must believe that the other cares about his other welfare and likes (or loves) him or her.”

When we belong, we feel cared for and valued. We have someone to turn to for support when life becomes difficult. A link exists between a positive sense of belonging and our ability to function in the world around us. Strong social relationships provide us with a greater capacity to manage stress and anxiety.

Our relationships aren’t confined to humans. Meaning, this need spreads across to animals as well. Our relationships with animals can have very positive heath effect on us. These animals are called pets. These positive impact is beneficial to both our physical and mental health.

For instance, pets can help reduce stress and bring down blood pressure. Perhaps the strangest, is that dogs have been shown to help children who have difficulties with their reading. There are a few schools globally ‘employ’ specially trained dogs to help children with their reading. It seems that part of the appeal, as long as you like dogs, is that they are non-judgemental, aren’t critical and just cute. This encourages the child to want to be with the dog and read to it. Debatable, but we’ll discuss that another day.

What gets in the way?

Relationships fall apart when the people involved either take them for granted, pay little to no attention to the other person and or the whole relationship, there’s little to no understanding of what it takes to be in a relationship and how to keep it going.

They fall apart because they’re not being explored for all that they are. People want to manage relationships and not experience them. When you experience something with someone there’s sense of inclusiveness. You don’t need to understand EVERY thing about that person, but it’s the inclusion that makes relationships work. We’ve all bit into this perception that we’re looking for “understanding”. We’re not looking for understanding, although we’ve lied to ourselves with this. We are looking for inclusion, because somewhere deep down, we’re longing for a need to be satisfied. We are looking to be made part of you and your world, regardless of what type of relationship it is.

I can go as far as saying that a relationship is a living thing and like any other living thing, it must be tended to, nurtured, and provided with the essential ingredients for survival. That is inclusion, you make the thing a part of your life and prioritise and approach it with just as much effort as you do everything else in your life that’s of value. Relationships need to be attended to on a daily basis.

Following what we’ve unpacked thus far, we can all safely agree that a relationship will only have a meaningful impact in your life if it’s meaningful. And so, a meaningful relationship is a relationship which brings in positivity in your personal life and that of anyone else directly involved –at times those indirectly involved too. In such a relationship, both the partners help each other to grow, they encourage each other and care for each other. It’s a relationship which is healthy and long-lasting.

What keeps relationships from thriving?

The funny thing about life is once the flower blossoms only then will the Bees come. If we have a need and chase after it, we chase people away but once we don’t, everyone wants to have relationships with you. Interesting right?

• Inability to connect and aren’t present or in the moment:
  We spend so much time fixating over inane things that have absolutely no impact in the health or benefit of the relationship. We’re so preoccupied with how we look? What are we doing now? Does this make me stupid? etc. instead of focusing on what the moment is all about and entails. That is spending time getting to learn and understand the other person and or people. We do not devote genuineness into establishing connections.
  
  
• Bad communication skills or lack thereof:
  Look, if you follow me on my social media (@tashy.h), you’ll know how persnickety I am about this topic.
  
  Not only does lack of communication affect the status of the relationship but it has some detrimental emotional and mental effects on the next person. It chips away at one’s self-confidence & may lead to feelings of unworthiness. Some researchers have gone as far as stating that lack of communication can be used as a technique to emotionally manipulate others.
  
  It is vital that one aims to learn how to effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings in a proper way. Not for the sake of others but for their own self development. It is vital you learn to interact in a way where one expresses themselves clearly and honestly in life. Also, with that same effort, learn to listen to the other person. In order for a relationship to initiate, exist and thrive, there must always be healthy, open, honest & meaningful effective communication between the people involved.
  
• Lack of authenticity:
  Relationships built out of pretense never stand the test of time, they will eventually crumble and perish. It is the reality of what real relationships are about that cracks open the shell of pretentious disguise and illusion that leads to the doom and demise of these types of relationships.
  
  If you don’t approach people as who yreally ou are, you deny yourself –and them, an opportunity to create long lasting bonds. Feelings of inadequacy, that you are undeserving & self-doubt (to name a few) could be the reason as to why some approach the creation of relationships with a facade instead of being authentic from the start. Stop this and learn to value and appreciate yourself.
  
• Lack of touch:
  Although a technophile, I have to admit that technology is redefining and chipping away at genuine interactions. These new ways of virtually keeping in touch are replacing the need to be in touch, physically, literally.
  
  We have people that affirm to being online lovers, again, I don’t mean to cast judgement to anyone and how they wish to lead their lives. However, I do understand that the reason why so many relationships don’t work is because many allow technology to replace what used to be genuine efforts to show the other person that they care and are most importantly, real.
  
  Being deprived of the touch of the one you’d like to do things with whether romantically or not, causes some serious brain damage as your Brain constantly tries to justify for the inability to have what it wants. Also, in the field of Neuroscience, the ability for a human to engage all senses allows for better mental & emotional health that positively affects their life.
  
• Lack of respect, integrity & empathy:
  If you have no ounce of the above in you, I doubt you’ll be able to form any relations in life as these are part of the main foundation for long, healthy and meaningful relationships. Not to go into many details; having these values allows you to accept another person’s point of view, ideas & thoughts.
  
• Being too pessimistic, selfish & rude:
  No one wants to be around someone who complains day-in and day-out. We’re all battling with issues in our lives, some more heavy than the next. Often times, we see ourselves as the victim. People want to go where they feel light and happy. If you’re always wearing the victim hat and are always complaining about things, you are inadvertently pushing people away. People do not owe you their Ears, they simply lend it to you, make what you say to them the water that waters their Soul. Because when you speak to the core of a person, they will always naturally gravitate to you. And, may the waters that you water others with be from an abundant Well in you that’s constantly overflowing. Work, on keeping this well clean & never dry.

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Make sure that you’re not always focused on yourself, needs and expectations that you crudely give out bad energy to the next person. Being toxic to people won’t yield the best relationships this needs to be reinforced all the time. “Savagery” can’t co-exist with companionship. Nope, never!

Key factors in sustaining & growing relationships with others?

What I’m trying to make you see here is that, whatever you experience as yourself is WHAT is the desperation for you to form relationships. If the compulsiveness to have relationships goes away you can look at having relationships as an extension in your life.

You need to keep your life energies in a large proportion very, you need to keep them very exuberant to have good, positive and meaningful relationships. When you’re happy everybody seems to be fine, but when you’re not, they aren’t. It’s because the way you feel about YOURSELF affects the way you see the world and how you react with your environment. Many of us are creating relationships on a fantasy state. We’re living in illusions and in fact, that’s why it hurts when we’re rejected within relationships. Because the illusion has been broken. I’ll talk more about this when I cover Rejection.

These are something that you can practice to achieve healthy and long lasting relationships:

• Time and effort:  For me this is including someone in your life. Complacency occurs when we feel comfortable in a working relationship. So, tying back to what I said above, about relationships being like a living thing, they need continuous effort. The people involved should constantly be attentive to the other person and to the relationship itself. It’s essential that you both (or more) take time to check with each other how things are and what, if anything, needs to change.

• Self-awareness: Listen, I could’ve just in short told you that, to have good (even great) relationships you really need to work on Yourself. That’s the begining of it all. We should always be asking ourselves the relevant questions that propel us towards being the best versions of ourselves: ‘How am I changing? Am I giving this the best of me?  Do I accept responsibility for my own actions and forgive others when they’ve made a mistake? Do I have a ‘helping’ or a ‘blaming’ mind-set? Am I doing the best for us or for me? Do I communicate openly and honestly in order to let others know how I feel and why I am upset, or do I expect others to mind read my thoughts and feelings?’.

• Effectively Communicate:  I think to be able to communicate we need to let go of societal expectations that we think are bestowed upon us, because the truth is, no one cares. Learn to speak from the heart. Speak to feed another. Even when you’re expressing dislikes, always have a shroud of love at the tip of your tongue. What I mean is, be always expressive, don’t just talk, but make sense. Penetrate with your words in a kind way.

• Positive outlook: Ask ‘Do I acknowledge others and their strengths and can I remain positive, good natured and demonstrate genuine warmth and love when things are difficult or do I criticise and use put – downs?’

• Ability to resolve conflict: Arguments are inevitable in any relationship but it’s our ability to resolve conflicts in a non-blameful or confrontational way as possible, that matters. We must try to demonstrate forgiveness and a willingness to reach a resolution rather than taking a stance of ‘I win, you lose’.

• To Listen: Listening requires a great deal of empathy (ability to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes). When we decide to really listen we make ourselves available to that person, thereby demonstrating the importance we are giving to that person and to the relationship. This says to them ‘I am here for you’, rather than ‘I’m trying to put my point across regardless of your feelings’.

Shifting your life from a pursuit of happiness to an expression of joy is what we need to do individually to attain the healthy and meaningful relationships we long for. It is not the longing of another that we seek, but the longing of oneness.

We should always focus on the enhancement of ourselves in order to have the capacity of including another.

We must be open to meeting new people and having spiritual connections will help us grow our faith and be able to inspire others to open us to new possibilities. Just be you and the right people will be in your life for the right reasons! Always be authentically you and other will welcome, appreciate, honer and love the real you!!

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This is what’s been happening to me, I am living my life inside out. The focus on enhancing myself and my life has been elevating me to greater heights consequently, shaping how I view & form relationships. It’s been blissful. To look at things as one instead of identifying them as individuals. Everything I write about is always aimed to make you understand that you have a powerful energy in you, in fact, YOU are a powerful energy and shouldn’t be limited nor confined.

You are worthy, always.