… I actually stopped walking and looked this nigga straight in the eye, looking for some sort of shame or guilt or some remorseful shit that would snap reality back into him, well more like to me. Thing is, seldom do you hear a homeless person so cockily say these words. But nope, my dear friend had instead, a big ass grin on his face. He was proud, no! it was another type of emotion…content! Yea, he was extremely content! He replied to me with contentment in his eyes...
It’s another random day of going to work for me and I’m late, again! “Fuck! I am in SHIT! Honestly, when are these Taxi Drivers going to learn to stop waiting for people to fill up! See now, I have to cook up a lie AGAIN! Dammit… I can’t use the geyser as an excuse, I used that last time. Oh! cumon UNIVERSE! Why are you ALWAYS allowing shit to happen to me, I need this dam job, why can’t I have an easy life !? Fuck! I need a lie…uhm…I’ll use my gran…I don’t know what I’ll say exactly but I’ll find something sobby to say about her. ” I think to myself as I add “The Universe & Taxi Drivers” to my long list of people/things that never want me to succeed. I manage to make it out of the forever-crowded rank and literally march down the Cape Town Taxi Rank’s stairs. “Why are there sooo many steps to these stairs today, haibo !? whoever built these stairs SURELY wanted Tash to always be late also! So Fuck them too for not thinking!”, YEP! Mentally add “Fucking Taxi Rank Architects” to the list, thank you!
“Oh! cumon UNIVERSE! Why are you ALWAYS allowing shit to happen to me, I need this dam job, why can’t I have an easy life !?“
After what felt like a century, I finally make it to the bottom of the stairs and I do a quick math, I can take a taxi but it’ll also have to wait to fill up which will take forever, so NOPE, can’t do that. Cab maybe? I can’t, I don’t have that kind of money. Again, the self-pity starts, “Oh man, if only I didn’t have to take care of so many people with my salary, I’d be able to do the things I want and have enough money, God I HATE YOU! You have favorites I swear!” I mutter to myself, and you bet it, God goes into the list too and leads the rest “since he is so almighty and amazing, let’s see him wiggle his way out of my bad books!“, I think to myself as I cross the road and start walking towards Buitenkant street.
The painful thing about walking to Gardens was that, the offices are situated on “Mount Everest”, you hike up and get to the office dripping in sweat because WOW! That Garden’s incline is no joke. Also, this was my first time employed, I was pretty chuffed that I’d managed to get a job. Although it was in Retail, when you’re fresh out of varsity that type of salary was HEAVEN! SO YES PLEASE! I will “hike” to work any day! I guess you can tell that my walks to work were a bittersweet experience.
Honestly though, walking up to work wasn’t all that bad, well when I wasn’t late, because I genuinely enjoyed the walk, I got to think and add more people & things to my list. Also, there was always this one homeless guy who appointed himself as my body guard and would walk me to work everyday WITHOUT fail! Rain or sunshine! So as per usual, my dear friend appeared from God knows where- ran up to me with a big ass grin, ready to clock in to his daily job as my body guard, only that in this case remuneration was in the form of the meaningful conversations we’d have.
This is one of the many reasons I enjoy conversing with people from all walks of life and classes, it’s the mystery of not knowing what kind of information that particular stranger will impart to me. Anyways, he greets and I greet back, although I wished he wouldn’t walk with me on this particular day for obvious reasons that he too could see, something in me wanted him to be there, so I let him huff and puff his way up the road with me. Our conversations always started the same way, him asking me how I slept etc. and me returning the favor & it was no different that day too.
I don’t recall how this particular conversation began but we started talking about shelters and I remember suggesting that he should leave the streets & find a shelter cause he was still able to work and all. His reply to me cut the Oxygen supply to my lungs for a bit, not because I was already out of breath from the hike to the top of Mount Everest where my offices were situated, but because of the fact that I’d never expected a homeless person to so jovially say no! to having a decent or “somewhat” decent place to sleep and food.
My dear friend said “No ! my sister I don’t want to be anywhere but where I am. I chose to be here. I’m free!” I stopped and looked this man in the eyes because hehake dude, wtf mate !? seeing the confusion on my face, he continues, “I ran away from home because I didn’t want to be chained, I don’t like rules and here in the streets, I live the life I want to live. I am responsible for having my life like this my sister and I am happy with it. I get water in the city, I get food when I need it cause I go ask for it. I sleep wherever I want. I am a free man. This is the freedom many of you in this world yearn for and I have it! “.
This man was taking full accountability & responsibility about a situation that many view as an act against humanity! He had close to nothing but was…. CONTENT! WTF! was wrong with me !?
The Oxygen supply reconnected again and my brain started working! And with it also came a gushing wind of guilt & shame, not towards this Man that was probably sent by God (in retrospect) but towards me. The mental list scorched as each name slowly disappeared & the lie I had cooked up suddenly left a rotten taste in my mouth, as it also burnt away. In a split second, seconds that I couldn’t afford in this case, the way I looked at things changed. I had what was possibly a luxury to this Man yet here I was, being ungrateful.
I was blaming everything and everyone else for my life going sideways except…. Me.
“Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.”
― Les Brown
I’ve recently been awakended to the same reality. I’ve had plans/goals which some have failed resulting in sudden demotivation, I spiral to a point of wanting to give up. When things don’t go according to my plan I return some sort of resentment towards God. Failing to realise that I didn’t start my plans with gratitude for the wisdom of those plans to begin with. So I’m learning to be accountable as well. To be accountable for my innate actions as much as I need to be accountable for my external. How quick I am to put the blame on anyone but myself; not realising that I’ve let myself down. Situations I could control myself although internally (cos our true work is always from within) convincing myself they’re out of my control. I start going back on every negative thought and self doubt and hold myself accountable for expecting God to take me seriously when I can barely do the same. The work has to begin with me first. Thank you for this confirmation of conversations ive been having with myself lately.
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to share your meaningful feedback with me, I truly appreciate it.
Secondly, when we start holding ourselves accountable, we actually elevate in life. It makes us present & cognizant of what’s happening around us but mostly in us. We get to see and learn quickly what things we need to improve on, our strengths & weaknesses. I’ve realised that failure to do this eats away at being self-fulfilled because you will keep blaming external factors that have little to no control over your life. It was only when my internal locus of control started increasing that I started realising that some of these external factors occur because of decisions I made. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I knew the job had to start with me.
Thank you again for your feedback ❤️
I just came across your blog and I love the way you write you have humor and you can change and be serious and I think that is natural talent. Keep it up and i can’t wait to see more from you.