So, you’ve been conversing with this person for a bit now and although the chats are interesting, you’re as confused as the 4 walls in my room when I randomly break out in a song as loud as my lungs allow (LOL, Look man I can explain….but some other time!) because you don’t know what the hell’s going on between you and this person just that y’all are in the “talking stage”… but another thought interjects… “are we even in the talking stage!? and when did it even start!? how long must it still take!? ” oh! oh!
WHAT IS THE TALKING STAGE ?
Well my dear friend, the “talking stage” is the biggest mentally & emotionally taxing Grey area in the dating scene. Basically, it’s when y’all are still trying to get to know each other. I say it’s a Grey area because you both are interested and are feeling each other but it’s not quite enough for either one of you or both of you to actually take things a step further to whatever other stage you both want.
WHEN DOES THE TALKING STAGE START?
Listen, getting a clear response to this question was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. There are so many conflicting responses, some say the moment any one of you initiate the conversation, others say after the intentions have been set, others said after the first time you have sex. So, I decided to run a poll on Twitter and a questionaire on Instagram to gauge where people’s mind are at about this. Now, although, I can’t share the individual responses from IG, I can tell you that the options I gave on IG were:
- when they slide into your DMs (Direct Messages)?
- when you guys have exchanged numbers ?
- or after the first date ?”
The majority of responses said “when they slide into your DMs”.
On Twitter, like I said I ran a poll and below are the results:
Personally, it would make more sense for what I believe to be thee most confusing stage in dating; to be after intentions have been set. Because yes, you can ask for someone’s numbers but are you really setting the intentions with that person or are you both running on an assumption that you are interested in knowing more about them ?
Like, yes, cool you’ve slid into their DMs or they into yours, but have the intentions really been set ? Sex too, ok great we’ve had sex, what now ? have you guys decided/discussed where this is now going ? even after the first date, did you guys express y’all’s individual intentions or are you guys just still “going with the flow”?
It all boils down to INTENTIONS I believe.
Let’s explore this a little more and see why it is so important.
WHAT IS INTENTION?
An intention is an aim that guides action. For example: You wake up to make Tea because you’ve been craving to drink it. The aim is to drink Tea so you get up to go make it which is the action.
Now let’s apply this understanding to the above.
The talking stage should then only start after you both have stated what the aim of the action you’ve taken (why you’ve asked for their number or have slid into their DMs etc.) is. I mean we’re grown if anyone feels some type of way about something as reassuring and as respectful as stating what you intend to do with one’s time, then they probably shouldn’t be dating since they want to be childish.
Personally; I don’t believe in our modern day way of relationshiping. Hear me out, I understand that we are all different and that we don’t all do things the same way nor think the same way, which is great and all but with that being said, there are somethings that aren’t necessarily a different trait in someone but a mask that they use to get away from doing the right thing.
The modern way of dating is very tacky, emotionally & mentally exhausting & is basically a field-day for narcissists, emotionally un-available people & those who never want to take full accountability.
1. THERE’S NO COMMITMENT
Majority of the time this stage says in not so many words that you’re interested in them but not enough to actually make them a priority. Chances are they are texting you when they get bored but there’s no pressure to actually make you feel wanted. This is the easiest way to get hurt, ever. Let’s be real—you shouldn’t get yourself hung up on someone who will text you “Good morning,” but won’t take it further than that.
2. YOU CAN TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So not only do you have zero pressure to choose the person you’re talking to but there’s a real possibility that person is also entertaining other people in the “talking” stage too. I mean, why not start off your relationship issues early knowing that this person is probably mass texting the same thing to other people who think they’re the only ones? Not cool.
4. YOU DON’T GET REAL CLOSURE IF IT ENDS.
If you two stop talking all of a sudden, you’ll never actually be able to come to terms with what you two had, if anything. When you bring them up in conversation, you have to awkwardly be like, “No, we weren’t dating, but we kind of talked or something…” and your friends are going to be confused. Plus, if you developed real feelings for this person, how do you just move on saying you were never really a thing? It really doesn’t need to be this complicated.
5. YOU NEVER DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP.
I’m not saying the poor guy/girl has to ask you to be his theirs as soon as they meet you—that would be pretty creepy—but they should totally be defining the relationship in a way that says, “You caught my eye and I really want to get to know you. You have my attention.” They can define that relationship by simply going out on dates with you instead of keeping you on hold in their messages. I promise, it’s really not that threatening to put a label on things when you’re just getting to know each other. You’ll have better communication in the long run.
6. IT REQUIRES NO EFFORT.
Is there anything that takes less effort than sending a text? Honestly, half our generation finds even that totally exhausting and won’t even take the time to message you back on the same day. It’s so tiring to be all head-over-heels because a someone texted you back within the hour. It’s like, come on. If you’re really interested in someone, they’re worth the effort, period. If you aren’t worth the effort to take out, call (gasp) on the actual phone or make plans with, they just isn’t that serious about you.
7. WHY NOT JUST BE FRIENDS?
If y’all are so freaked out about defining the relationship or taking a step towards being with someone, why not just stay friends? They can totally get to know you without these weird stages in between. If they aren’t ready to take things to the next level, they shouldn’t try to halfway reserve you for himself by “talking” because they’re afraid you’ll find someone while he’s figuring out if they actually want you.
9. SINCE WHEN IS GOING ON A REAL DATE “RUSHING THINGS”?
This is seriously the worst excuse ever. If a someone thinks going out on a real date is “rushing” the relationship, you need to call them out on it. You’re not taking things too fast because you want them to put in a little effort to get to know you in person. Asking you out on a date isn’t a marriage proposal but a lot of y’all don’t seem to get that. WTF?
9. IT DRAGS THINGS OUT FOREVER.
It’s not rocket science to figure out if you really want to be with someone or not. Why is it so necessary to put up all of these awkward half-stages in relationships that draw everything out because “you never know”? Again, it’s BS. If you are really paying attention and being in the moment while you’re dating someone, you’ll know that person is a good one and your relationship can progress naturally.
10. IT LEAVES YOU HANGING.
You never know where the hell you stand with the person. How are you OK with being half wanted ? There’s soo much uncertainty OMG no hey!
If you are feeling the person, I see no point in both of you wasting time with these half-ass stages that do nothing but cause emotional distress. Please don’t settle for sub-par bare-minimum, “I’m confused so I want you to be as confused while I enjoy other people” treatment! Love yourself enough to be true to what YOU want. The “talking stage” is nothing but a concept developed by those who never want to commit but are scared, no one should live in fear take that as a sign too.
You deserve someone who is sure about you.