How To Communicate Your Standards As A Woman.

I try to write about things that both genders can relate to but when it comes to expressing or communicating about Standards my gender fails dismally. Men have always been straight forward about what they want….yes I will repeat this…Men are always straight forward about what they want BUT we are the ones that always refuse to see things for what they are and we spend time overthinking their actions and or texts when the whole time the guy’s easy chilling SHOWING you what they want and in some cases communicating it.

I’ll make a detour and camp on this small topic quick; Men are always direct about what they want. If a Man wants to sleep with you, they will show it. It’s in everything they SAY and DO! Same applies when they DO want you. It also will be in the way they SPEAK and in what they DO! It’s that simple. To drag this a few steps further… your gut feeling confirms their intentions too but as per usual…. we overlook all of these and riddle ourselves silly with “Oh! I don’t know, I think he wants me for Sex but he’s very vague and does all these other things…” NO SIS! There aren’t any other things, he wants nothing but sex. Accept it and either give in to that if that’s what you want, if not…then continue reading.

Ok, back to this Blog post… I genuinely think as Women we are awful at stating our Standards and so this post will be directed more at us but dear Man if you can relate too and feel some of the things that I’ll share here with you will be of benefit to you then all the better. If you’re a Woman reading this, I think you can attest to the fact that one of the hardest things that we find challenging as Women is communicating our standards to Men we like. Not all Men….just the ones we like. Because when we don’t like someone we don’t really have that much of a regard for them.

We all know that time’s have changed and the current dating scene is more of an attempt to be “cool” than it is about wanting to build genuine relationships. Relationships have been reduced to “situationships” and watered down versions of “love” painted with “uncertainty” and the fear of being: honest, open but mostly vulnerable.

I need you to understand that it is ok to not want to be part of the “Hook up” culture, it is ok to not want to be “cool”. Not everyone wants to have one night stands same as not everyone wants commitment and it is perfectly fine. HOWEVER, in a situation where you want to express your standards that are different from the person’s (….doesn’t even need to be about sex only). Then read below.

I used the word “challenging” because, I don’t think we do not express this but, I think we do it wrong. We’re either too harsh or too sweet… and I’m here to help you find the “sweetspot”. The middle part…not too harsh and not too sweet…but just right. You remain a cool-chick but the message gets across with the weight it deserves without jeopardizing your street cred or how you view yourself.

FIND THE SWEET SPOT

Let’s use an example; Let’s say you meet a guy and y’all go on a date and say maybe during the date (and maybe prior to the date) everything that the guy’s been initiating has been sexual and towards end of the date they ask you to go back to his place… Now let’s say you don’t want to do this and you also want to give them a chance but want to tell them about how you do things without coming across as too harsh or too sweet…there is a way to do this and it requires you to use your Feminine Energy. Your Femininity. Because to be honest… as Women the one thing that actually makes us more powerful than we can imagine is our ability to use our softness in a bold way. Being soft doesn’t strip you off your independence. In fact, I feel our “independence” is misunderstood. Our power lies in our softness and our ability to switch between being vulnerable and sweet to being fiery and spicy to being assertive and bold…. all within one energy….our feminine energy.

So back to our example; in a case like that one group would snap at the Man with “Who the fuck do you think I am !? I want a relationship before popping this coochie!!! SO CUFF ME BITCH!” (Ok a lil dramatic but yea)… and then the other group will sugarcoat their reply with “Oh *giggle* uhm… I’ll come but I can’t stay for long so can I bring a friend maybe!?“… you get the drill right?

Although the first group was assertive and straight to the point, their approach might chase the nigga away if they want them to stay and so it doesn’t do them justice and the second group isn’t stating what they want, they’re simply running around the point… STOP!

The sweetspot in this case is in always breaking your replies into 3 parts. I say 3 parts because each part has a very specific reason behind. Before we explore these parts, firstly, let’s understand that Men are human (though stupid) they do have feelings and majority of the time we forget this and are just so cold towards them. They want to also feel wanted and appreciated etc and I think sometimes when they court us they crave this so much but they overcompensate and like over do things when in actual fact they’re craving vulnerability. Also, we know that they are the BIGGEST babies (eyeroll) so sometimes they talk about Sex because it’s a mask that they have on to seem ‘desirable’.

FIRST PART: BE VULNERABLE

So the first part of your response must remind them that you are not scared of being real with them and that they can be real with you too and you can do this by speaking life into him. So you start of by admitting that you find them desirable right ? I mean that’s why you’re even entertaining them. Show them that you’re attracted to them by saying this “Honestly there’s a part of me that would like to do that with you cause I find you very attractive…” let’s leave it here for now. So what we did here is; we admitted that you see them, right ? You’re pulling them in with your femininity and making them feel wanted and desired. This already to them will show that you’re confident in YOUR sexuality and are not scared to speak up and will cause his attraction for you to heighten.

SECOND PART: STATE YOUR STANDARD

The second part of your response is where you will state your standard so back to our above example; in this case you’d then continue from the first part with “...but that’s not my style, I just don’t move that quickly…” see how assertive and sexy that was. You are in your Goddess power are being bold but yet are being soft and warm.

THIRD PART: SHOW YOUR INTEREST STILL

And when it comes to the last part…let him know that you are interested in him as a person which should indicate to him that you’re interested in knowing him MORE so you’ll add “…but if you’d like that we do something this weekend or the next, I’d love that.“
Now this last statement is you coming back to your Feminine power because again, you’re taking initiative and passing him the bait. If he wants you still he’ll need to understand that YOU and how YOU work and the last part also shows him you’re a team player and aren’t too desperate.

So your full reply would then be: ” Honestly, there’s a part of me that would like to do that with you cause I find you very attractive, but that’s not my style, I just don’t move that quickly. But if you’d like that we do something this weekend or the next, I’d love that.“
This response is just in the middle, not too harsh and not too sweet. It’s not compromising your dignity or independent Woman title. In fact, it brings into your Feminine power to express your standards.

OTHER TIPS:
1. Always speak up
2. Remember, you are the prize BUT you need to show them that you are also interested so meet them halfway. Do not sugar coat however, show interest in your reply.
3. Use your Feminine power. There’s no need to be hard or rude. Be kind and gentle with your words. Be inviting yet assertive.
4. ALWAYS remember you are worthy of everything that you desire, so please be yourself. Never compromise on your standards….STATE them!

Listen, STOP! overlooking your standards because you’re scared of conflict or fear you might chase them away. If they do run away, then, honestly, you’re better off without them. Why would you want to be with a partner that doesn’t want to invest some effort in you ?

“Be a pineapple: Stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”